The next day we got a simple but kind reply "Hi Lee and Rhonda, nice to hear from you. I looked at your file, and to date, it has not yet been shown. Wishing you well, Bonnie."
So pretty much our reaction was not shock or surprise, but at the same time still disappointment. I tried to brush it off, but I did have some tears over supper as I was talking about how I felt.
It is this feeling of, does anybody else besides me believe that we will actually become parents? Am I just "playing house"? It's a terribly lonely feeling. When people walk around with their pregnant bellies, everyone can see that they're expecting a child. No one sees that I am expecting a child. So no one talks about it. I don't expect many baby showers or for people to talk about nothing but babies and adoption with me. But I am not sure how to convey just how much it means to me when other people hope with me. To know you're praying, to receive a little baby item you happened to spot in the store and thought I would like, to ask how I'm doing. I could go on. I don't want to sound like I deserve a ton of attention or that you should feel sorry for me. But this journey can be terribly lonely. I guess I just want to feel like a "real" expectant parent and want others to view me that way, too. And sometimes I just doubt if it's all just a big game and we really won't get chosen. I doubt why I occasionally buy baby stuff; if there'll really be someone to wear these little clothes one day.
I shouldn't say that no one supports me. I think just the disappointment from not being shown yet coupled with my own doubts that we'll ever get matched somehow concluded in my feeling like people don't actually care enough to let me know they do care even a little.